Heaven and Hell, upside down

I screwed up myself again. Some unnecessary hope was onto me, and it dropped me from 10th floor to the ground. For a minute i was in the sky, and fell in the next second. For a minute i thought that i could really get what i want, but everything just screwed up. I dont even have the unnecessary money, or currently working. I born in a family which is just OK in everything. Not really rich or not that poor. Honestly im feeling upside down now. I dreamed of something which will never came true, and being asked "Why do you need such expensive gift? Is that so needy?" Yeah i felt that needy in me. Why cant i finally own something i really want. Or just because i repeated it so many times and made you feel that it is not really needy in me. Or just because i dont have the right to own it. 

I cant understand why adults keep telling me after spm everything can be solved. Why after spm? Is spm that important? I am not born because of exams and studies. WHY IT MUST BE AFTER SPM? Is that exam so great till i need to put all of my effort and concentration just because of that? After hearing these words i hate spm more. It s not like after spm santa claus will give me that thing. Its not like after spm that thing will just drop down from sky. Its not like after spm my family will be rich. I hate those rich people showing off their iphones or samsung or mac or ipad and started to tell me that they are poor, they need help. Shoo off you guys. If you re like this, thanks for looking at this page. Im talking bout you. 

God. You created rich peoples and the poors. The poors are like golongan bawahan, watching as those golongan atasan have special type of treatment in this community. Everything seemed like going easily just with money on their hand, while the poors starving and begging just for food and shelter. What am i, living in between them and feeling upside down. I dont get what i want, im fully provided with all my needs, and sometimes i want more. I know i should learn to be like Lucas, to be thankful of what we gain. But how long do i need to take to face the fact that...i do not belongs to the world nor God's holy world. Im stucked in between like heaven and hell, hard to fly up against gravity but easily to undergo free fall.