All of these days

Countdown-ing the days im in Kluang, the place i've been living for 17 years and almost 18. Sad to say that, my 18th birthday will soon be alone in a far place from Kluang. I've escaped from PLKN but couldn't escape from leaving home so soon. Maybe they'll be much more happy when im not around? Im one step closer to my dream, what a mixed feelings im having now. Shouldn't choose this time to blog i think.



My eyes will become watery knowing that my 18th birthday will be all alone without my family around me. No one knows how much hoped for this 18th birthday to be more special unlike those years. Yeah, no one knows. They'll said it's just a birthday, study is more important. Everything seems more important than I am. Just like im nobody. Nobody will give up something because of me. Not even a day just for me. Basically this is exactly how selfish people are. Said words which are comforting, but when you're leaving, no one would just hand you a little warm. Why is the world became something so grey to me, like everything had lost its colour. I just wish to sleep as long as I could. Im afraid of all the changes, sadness, tears. Afraid loneliness. All i need is just somebody to love me as I am, to stay by my side wherever i need. Relationship is really not an easy subject to learn, to figure. It will takes someone a lifetime just to understand a stage of it. When can I finish learning it?




I had been to my cousin's funeral lately. He's only 25 years old. I heard how his mother cry, like tearing a part of her away. Her cry have the power to make everyone around her to shed tears with her. Her cries was like telling me she wishes so much to die before her son for he is only 25 years old! He's indeed an obedient son. While she was crying I saw a sudden flashback of her giving birth, taking care of his son. All those memories belongs to a mother became just memories and photographs and the son is gone. Forever.





I admit I've grown up a lot in this holiday. Things i've no time to figure out finally had an answer. But there are still a lot of things i still need to learn and move on. Life in Kampar will be a starting of new life with new friends. 7 hours from Kluang, i guess this will leave a full stop of all my friendships in Kluang. I guess this will be the farewell. Im envy to those who are heading to KL and JB too. Kampar is way too far for me.

Low tides.

Damn, damn, damn, what i do to have you here, here, here

I wish you were here.

So much for my happy ending.

Fairytales.

I actually typed a long page to express how am i feeling now. Its a damn. God knows how much tears i cried for him. I had the happiness he gave me and in return, i felt as pain as how i felt now. I guess only time can help us to recover. Sorry im not as soft hearted as i was. I just want to lock myself in a room, cry as loud as i could. Silent tears. I should be feeling happy for those who are in happiness. But when i opened my facebook, im jealous i admit. I hope to return to where i belong. To a place where all my loves are there for me. Smiling happily, in my dreams.

Nites everyone, i couldnt sleep tonight. I still believe how much he loves me, therefore how much he loves my family. There is a chinese proverb 爱屋及乌. That was what i dreamed. Does it sound ridiculous?

I love you, I always do.

Will be missed.

It's over. Finally. All the hard works in the past few years were ended since yesterday. Sorry i was not in a mood to blog yesterday, since it was really tiring. Bad thing, i never felt a thing after spm. No celebration, happiness, or even a word from my father. Hoping so much to hear bout his question towards me, how was the exam, is everything great, can you do that, exam is over how you felt, nothing. Seriously nothing. Great i still have my uncle, who asked me to call him once i was home. Great i still have my mum, who will be there always for me. Anyway i thank them for supporting me all the times, but, i still felt some touch when i saw my friend's parent were there for him, right after spm. I hoped for that kind of concern, too.


What am i gonna do after these time of struggles, like my life had some emptiness in me. It's finally over, what should i do. Did my house chores after breakfast, and now is only 12pm. Time seemed going so slow, like is waiting for somebody, some scene would never happen. SPM is really a great torture to fill emptiness, to fight for in our life. Bored days are coming, and im still planning something to deal with it. Maybe some new story books will be? Such a long time for me to leave school, the place which i hated for so long. Thanks a lot i saw Juanita today, as the last time in my school life when i returned my books.



Maybe i should try to figure out why i still feel alone, with no true and good friends around. Why am i being left out all the times. Who should i get to call when im in troubles. Power on my phones, search contacts, great to know i might have no one to search for. Everyone will be busying with their new life, new school, new community. Who would bother those old friends? I know there's a pig would cry over us, but she'll find her happiness some other day, i 100% , totally have faith in her, that she'll be really great. Things were like 12 stepping to 13, how many person will remember their old friends. I know that someone will, and i will too. No matter how you guys felt, when i saw you i'll give you a Hi, or you can repay me with a hug too. I'll definitely miss that.

Ciao, my friends. Cherish all our precious time, cause there will be no more 17 in our life.

You will definitely be missed.

Love, yingying

Heaven and Hell, upside down

I screwed up myself again. Some unnecessary hope was onto me, and it dropped me from 10th floor to the ground. For a minute i was in the sky, and fell in the next second. For a minute i thought that i could really get what i want, but everything just screwed up. I dont even have the unnecessary money, or currently working. I born in a family which is just OK in everything. Not really rich or not that poor. Honestly im feeling upside down now. I dreamed of something which will never came true, and being asked "Why do you need such expensive gift? Is that so needy?" Yeah i felt that needy in me. Why cant i finally own something i really want. Or just because i repeated it so many times and made you feel that it is not really needy in me. Or just because i dont have the right to own it. 

I cant understand why adults keep telling me after spm everything can be solved. Why after spm? Is spm that important? I am not born because of exams and studies. WHY IT MUST BE AFTER SPM? Is that exam so great till i need to put all of my effort and concentration just because of that? After hearing these words i hate spm more. It s not like after spm santa claus will give me that thing. Its not like after spm that thing will just drop down from sky. Its not like after spm my family will be rich. I hate those rich people showing off their iphones or samsung or mac or ipad and started to tell me that they are poor, they need help. Shoo off you guys. If you re like this, thanks for looking at this page. Im talking bout you. 

God. You created rich peoples and the poors. The poors are like golongan bawahan, watching as those golongan atasan have special type of treatment in this community. Everything seemed like going easily just with money on their hand, while the poors starving and begging just for food and shelter. What am i, living in between them and feeling upside down. I dont get what i want, im fully provided with all my needs, and sometimes i want more. I know i should learn to be like Lucas, to be thankful of what we gain. But how long do i need to take to face the fact that...i do not belongs to the world nor God's holy world. Im stucked in between like heaven and hell, hard to fly up against gravity but easily to undergo free fall.

Trust.

To those who read my blog, i thank you. :) I have something to speak out in ths post and i truly hope that you guys wont be like me. Haha.


 We are all unique, special, and the one and only one. Trust yourself that you can do something great in your life. While i typed this, im typing for myself too. Sorry to say that i actually dont trust i can do something great in my life. What i think about myself is a failer. I failed my 17 years, relationships in the community, letting myself controlled by my temper. Such a failer. Until one day i finally opened my daily journal.


This happened recently, when im in damn stress. Indeed, im using the word "damn" to express how much tension on me. I opened my daily journal and start reading.

"Everyone is a child of God, which is special and unique.

Like God create car to move on land, it does not work in water or sky.

If you are born to live in the land, you cnt live in the water.

Trust Him that there is a purpose He created you in this world.

Fulfill your purpose and bring glory to Him."

And I started to ask myself, what is my purpose in this world? Why am i born here as the eldest in the family? I truly believe that everything happened has a purpose in it. 

We re starting a new life soon :)

I finally ended up with my Sejarah will a FAREWELL. No more sejarah, malayan union, perang dunia, ptm pkm oic pbb and ALLLLL STUFFS which in this topics. Technically, i HATE sejarah. Thanks for leaving my life, finally. Yeah, im already 17, currently having spm after 5 years of secondary school life. I know everything is in God's control, including changing actual test paper to another, tips arent tips, making me crazy. But i thank God for his supportance and confidence for me to finish the paper, feeling peace again :) Trust Him that you re not alone in the whole period of exam. Whatever results i gain, i ll smile and thank him once again for giving me a true exam. A final exam without tips.

My days are filled with joy again after the return of wugui from Singapore. I cant imagine my mum actually put me out of the prison in this critical session LOL. Haha. Btw, i ll be having a wonderful Christmas this year, i hope so. With everyone i love by my side, im indeed a happiness girl :) What else do I need? Its enough Yingying. 

We (me and wugui) trust in God but not human, therefore we also trust that God will bring us a true couple, that will lead us. No worries to everyone who care for us. We re doing great. We dont want to talk much not because we dont believe you guys, but to ensure no more troubles that will strike us again. Seriously im tired of troubles. Despite all side of views, I know that everything will end up again, its just the matter of time. And im still searching for God's side of views in everything, although i failed everything.

To all of my friends in my secondary school life, i thank you for giving me such wonderful years. All the sadness, tears, happiness, friendship, love will be living in my heart forever. I truly hope that after we head to our further studies, please keep in contact as we can come out to yumcha sometimes during hols. I ll surely miss all those laughter and sampatness together. LOL. Although we planned for years of barbecue, trip to Genting which were all failed, but i hope we can do something for this year, our last year. 20 peeps of chinese in stk '95 will surely be missed. And i ve put down all the hatred, released myself from all the burdens. Although i still dont feel sorry of enjoying ponteng school. Haha. School will be out of my missing list, but dear teachers, i ll miss you. Winnie shapo, weini, szechee, and to those who i missed, sorry for not building a better relationship with you guys. And liyin.. sorry for ponteng-ing your taekwondo period all the time. Shuwen, Susan, Yinghui thank you for being my faithful listener who always share problems together. imy and ily :)

RED ZONE COUNTDOWN-ING 24 days

So excited to count down the days to leave this school, so depressed to countdown the days im facing SPM :( It s already left not more than one months. Oh my did i finish all my revisions and preparation? Preparation cant be finish and all i can do is continue to revise, do and revise. Im glad that my family put hopes on me, but unfortunately this is also a source of giving myself pressure. But as long as i did my best, there wont be tears of "if i would only..." but tears of joy, i guess.

Im ranked in top 35 in school, but the school authorities cruelly skipped my name, for twice. I felt disappointed to myself, not because of the badge that i lose but i felt that im despised by the school. I got a moderately good result to fit in myself into the rank but was being pulled down because of a C+. They eventually skipped my name, like throwing me into a world that i dont belong to them. I just need a confirmation. Which is definitely not being humble. I hate myself for being like this, hate myself for being so proud.


I thank my physics teacher for giving me so many exercises, thank you. I thank them for being so responsible as a teacher, as my friend. I thank her in not giving me warning letter although i skipped schooling for so many days. I thank her for being so tolerance to me :)

For the coming SPM what i can say is GOOD LUCK and jiayou :) I know i can do it and you can do it too! Countdown-ing 24 days peeps :') A step forward to reach to my dreams. The day i stepped out from this school is the day when my journey starts, and there will only be farewell till i will be there for my results.

In the process of reaching insanity.

Trying to fill my blogs with some feelings again. Ha.

I love those time when i can have breakfast with my loves one, every morning. Maybe, thats one of a way to show out my love to them. But.. do they know? Felt some kinda rejected in my family, and it s all because of my character, my selfishness, my stubbornness, to make them love me

lesser.

I asked myself. Does God loves his children this way too? Love more to those who are more obedient. Maybe i should check on myself, wad i did to make everyone i love try to keep a distance with me? I said im a christian, but im not. Seriously i din see myself having any improvement, even my families said that so. 

I dint bring anything back home although i go to church every sunday. Im not even leading a Christian life. So what am I living my life such way. I seemed like enjoying how the world going, i failed to control the temptations in this world. Such a failure. Lived in this planet for 17 years, gained only knowledge, nothing else. A bit of growth mostly. I wished, wished to be someone else, wish to be someone great. But i seemed like limiting my effort. My laziness stroke myself like im useless. God arranged me to go for PLKN but in my heart im objecting myself frm ggn thr, although i knw there will be many consequences. THIS IS A MUST. THERE S NO SUCH THINGS AS NO OR YOU DONT WANT TO. 

Stop being so stubborn Yingying. It s time for you to live like a human. The way you should live your life. 

Outside im wearing clothes, covering all my dirts, which stinks so much. The ugliness in me.

打扫部落格！

哇

我的blog好多灰尘哦

回来打扫咯

有人说我很久很久很久没有更新了

问我几时才甘愿更新wor~~~

亲爱的原谅我

最近特别情绪化

把情绪化的时间留给自己就好，别留给全世界

今天心情也不是很好

想必这篇也不会打得很漂亮吧

今天学校hari koko！！

抱歉哦

本来要一起去喝茶的但是我爽约了

摊子真的没有人会弄水

而且我也想到这半年来我这个setiausaha什么都没做

有点不好意思嘛(^&^)

怎么办怎么办

trial真的要到了

可是我却什么都还没准本

知道很多人都很努力在奋斗着

可是自己却...................

哎

算了吧

再加油再加油！！

其实厚

也不全全是我们的错啊

老师拼命给功课

学生拼命交功课

还为了某某科目去补习

哪里还有时间读书？

功课都多得要命了！

该死的校长

真该死

什么1 GAGAL 1 ROTAN

还在学生面前rotan

丑字不会写是吗

MALU啊

bodoh

死猪！

我真的好想念前任校长

至少

他不会像他一样

虐待我们

哦对我差点忘了

他还吃钱呢

肚子那么大果然是吃钱饱

吃完renggam吃kluang

抱歉抱歉

可能文字有些。。。

嗯

可是那是学生的心声

那是我的自由

kebebasan bersuara

不懂的话就去找moral nilai

我相信你一定找得到

坦白说

那个叫stk的地方我恨死了

恨死了

还叫我回去读？

拜托

别玩我了

每天早上起来去学校前一直在问自己一个问题

【为什么我要去学校】

可是我就是找不到答案

很抱歉的说

我找不到理由去那个地方

死读书读死书

书是死的人是活的

鸡蛋糕我就是很不明白为什么要spm有moral！

白痴到极点了

最好是你moral拿100你就是很有品的人我pei啦

最好是你考完试你还记得那些definisi

真的很白痴

谢谢你燃烧了我的愤怒 :)

一直以来我都在问着自己同一个问题，我读书是为了什么？

从小就被爸妈灌输说：读书是为了让自己不要走我们走过的那条路。如果以后你想赚钱，想不做苦工，那唯一的方法就是努力读书。

从小，我去的幼稚园是全居銮最有名的幼稚园，受英文教育，每一回考试都是前几名，受重家人们的赞扬。

“滢莹好棒哦，你会是刘家第一个大学生”

“滢莹UPSR拿满A哦”

“滢莹你怎么那么厉害？没读书都能拿第一。”

可是，有没有人知道背后的一句是：滢莹，你拜一到拜五早上都有补习，记得早起。

孔夫子曾经说过，读书是唯一一条能改变自己命运的方法。

从小，没有人经过我的同意就擅自安排了我的后路，我的前程。

我很感谢父母最终还是把我送进马来小学，也就是所谓的SK

我如今的英文如此本领也归功于他们把我送给一个印度保姆。

我如今的自信与高傲也归功于他们对我的栽培。

到了中学，我开始学会思想。

我读书是为了自己吗？我喜欢读书吗？

我从中三想了这个问题，想了两年。

我不喜欢读书啊，那为什么我还拼了命去读呢？

虽然我每次临时抱佛脚，但我真的有努力过。

只是不够用功。

妈妈每次说，如果你勤劳一点你有什么是做不到的？

华语那么难学，我单凭自己也能学。

我单凭自己我自认我华语比很多华校生来得好。

我单凭自己我写的字我敢拿出来说我的字比你美。

虽然我没再进修自己的华语，更进一步的文言文，名句精华我更是一窍不通。

我好希望自己看得懂字里的含义，但很对不起，在中二时我把它丢弃了。

我捡起了年幼无知的爱情，丢弃了最爱的华语。

到最后什么也没有，我后悔了。

我再告诉自己，中学生涯我努力了四年，在这最后一年我不可能再让自己失望。

我不想在每年反省时都在跟自己道歉。

【对不起，滢莹。我不够努力】

这句话我真的说腻了。

感谢猴子激发了我的愤怒，让我打从心底想用同样的方式报复你。

我的目标从来都不是9A+，只想在我看到我最后一张成绩单时能含笑而反。

告诉自己，这是我努力出来的果子。

I dont treat exam as a war to fight for, but doing all my responsibility to repay everyone who loves me. Thank you everything. It will be worth :)

Our God is faithful to those who are faithful to him. God, gives us strength to fight for all our responsibility. I trust in you.

就算我变钢牙妹我还是会笑的咯

我常说，笑容是女生最强的武器。

我最亲爱的，你的笑容到哪儿了？我好怀念那清脆的笑声。幸福得让我也被牵连。不见了，消失了。变得那么没心没肺，没血没泪，没粪没小便（我是个很文雅的人，而这词好像是你们作出来的吼）怎么一直喜欢拿刀捅自己呢？怎么那么不怕痛。你知道吗？在背后看着的我真的觉得很心痛。怎么不关我的事我还那么痛。怎么不关我的事我还那么八婆。亲爱的对不起，可能你会觉得我烦每天早上都问同样的问题，但我真的很担心你又受伤了。

我的快乐很想分享给你听，我的忧伤也很想告诉你。

但往往最残忍的事就是诉说自己的幸福给身边的姐妹听

往往我最不舍的就是把自己的忧伤告诉你

我想保留那份快乐给你，但最终还是增加你的烦恼了。对不起

看见自己幸福时想到你真的很残忍你知道吗？

我老觉得不公平。怎么我们的差异那么大。

对不起，真的很对不起。

让你一直听我唠叨，对不起

让你一直听我说想念，对不起

让你一直听我投诉他，对不起

让你一直听我们的故事，对不起

亲爱的，笑一个给我看好不好？

我想看那最纯真的笑容，那个original 100% 的猪蚊子

昨天我去绑牙了，这回真的是钢牙妹咯

看到一个一个钻石镶在我牙齿上我真的觉得 =='''

哎，算了吧。我会变漂亮的

放心，虽然我的笑容没那么可爱的但依然挺可爱。

哈哈哈

但是！两颗门牙的钻石实在是太显眼了！

【主动久了真的会累的，你知道吗？】

Welcome again. LOL

I dropped by here and realise that it's been so long since the last post.

Im sorry to say that im not in a mood of blogging nowadays. Not that Im busy, but there's a lot of problems happened around me to stop myself from speaking too much things to public. You know, there are many 8po around us what :P LOL

I came out from that stupid place called cluster with a darn worried heart. Seeing as her tears fell down from her cheek I felt like a thousand swords in my heart. Why do he treat her this way? Im asking myself this question again and again. I cant understand why cant you just tolerate if you really love someone? There are certain problems can be change if you're willing to. I simply cant understand. As I listen to those stories around me this year, seeing as their tears fall down, hugging each other to release their pain which crushing them upside down, Im afraid,seriously afraid that how if one day I'll be like them? How if the next second im the one who is crying out telling them that I dont want to end up this way.

Lord, I sincerely thank you that you brought him to me. No matter what others say behind I know that you're blessing us oh Lord. May you guide us, heal our broken hearts. Bless us oh Lord, bless everyone around us to have a blissful and happy life. May you guide us in obeying your words. I believe that you'll protect us from getting hurt. May you lead this journey of love, O Lord our God. Teach us how to love you more and more.