我爱他.

我知道没有钱的道理
知道他一定会解决这一些事情
我相信, 他能够给我一个最sweet的19岁.
我不应该要求太多吧?
毕竟...那是一份礼物
收到,或没收到
我本来就不应该太在意
毕竟如果不是我的, 就不是我的.
恩.. 我应该相信他的.

Still.

Blogging mode.


Got all of my coursework mark back and everything end up below my expectations. Do you guys know the feeling of expecting so high and everything you got back is just a lump of rubbish which is so much below what you expected? Like you climbed so high and you suddenly fell down, seriously it was so pain and i forgot how to describe.

I cried, lose temper, complaint, but... everything seemed so useless. What can i gain back after wasting all of these time? And seriously, it was also an opportunity to open my eyes and let me see, im not the only one who was standing on top. There are more and more people climbing upwards, and saw that i actually fell so hard. Never expect them to get so good results though, although i still don't think that way. Well, people have different thoughts, and the one who gave mark is not a robot. Same people but i guess there will be inconsistent also? I don't agree myself that i could be so bad, i kept thinking how if other people think about my performance? I will keep improve, I promise, because im not alone. My Lord will be the sterling of my life, to guide me in every path of my journey. I still remember the song that he gave me during the day i hid and bury myself in tears.



When the ocean rise and thunder roars
I will soar with you above the storm
Father you are king over the flood
And i will be still know you are God.

I give back this song to all of you guys that read my post, who are down. Do listen to this song, which brought me back from everything which is unfair. God is faithful and everything is possible with Him. And, there are still a lot i need to learn, to be still in Him.

Love

While most of my friends stopped blogging, im all alone here. Haha. My 3rd sem is goin to end soon. Wow... im the earliest one who stepped into degree world. How would it be?
My dearest told me that...... nope he asked me whether can i marry him after my degree? Seriously i thought that i dont want to be married so soon. What would days be like to be a wife? Stick to him all day long just as i dreamt? I can only say that i miss him soooo much. I really do. Times when we quarreled really made me feel very bad. Like days are going to end soon. But at last i still know that he wont leave me no matter what.

Since i dont know who would be my blog reader, i guess i can just write what i feel? Haha. No need to hide like the past.. scaring people would know my secrets.. well, im opening this blog to public means that this is going to be seen by anyone? Haha. I know that my friends are still single.. and seriously i do not know what to tell them, or how to tell them the relationship problems that i faced. Im afraid if i speak out they will think that im showing off my happiness. Actually.... all i want is my happiness to be shared to you guys. I sincerely hope that everyone can find their true love, and my heart breaks when i know that they are hurt again because of love.

Lord.. I thank you so much for bringing him into my life. The one who love me so much.. and his willingness to sacrifice for me. I know, since i was 14, you heard my prayers, you saw my tears, and you know how much i hurt.

Seriously, life in UTAR is not as fun as i thought. The happiest time is when im staying with her, a friend who treated me wholeheartedly, a friend who love me as i am. I hate those times when my scars are rebuked by someone, without knowing she knows that is my scar or not. Im really unhappy when those time you stepped me under your feet like im just nothing, you ruined my confidence, taking everything as your pleasure. I know im imperfect, I know im not that pretty, but im confident for who am I. Being one of your friend, do i not worth for your care? All you know is using me like a tool, counting which benefits you..... Im really sick of it.


When i reached home, my expression eventually changed, and i told myself "My mask is finally taken off".
Tired of bringing a mask in front of everyone else. I just want to be myself.

Grandpa stories?

Sometines i wonder who would ever stop by here and read my post? Whatever. Its just a part of note down of my life. 12.24am now and im still in a blogging mood with eyes half shut. And it reminds me of those happy times with a bunch of friends, yeah those times, which means that it's a past tense and it will never be back again. Im currently y1sem3, which is the last sem of foundation. Well, it's just a part of my life so who cares what happened after these?
People used to think im dumb nice to cheat and constantly keeping things that they thought that i dont know away from me. I gave chances, seriously, but no one cherish it. A friend whom i loved, make all of my friend left me in a night. After class was like the time i need to take off my mask and be myself again. Crying over and over for the same person which is not anyone but friend and now when i look back i felt how silly i am. Yeah, i should stop searching by now, because i truly trust that my Lord will provide the best for me. Why do i need friends who took me for granted when i took out my heart for them? Its like giving flower to monkey, pointless, useless.

Well, the end of my sem2 stories, and it will become a lesson for me. Life is full of ups and downs. I didnt said that my sem 3 life is wonderful, nope. Still, i struggle in friendship problem. I may be a part of my life? But i still thank God for those true friends around me. Lord, thank you for everything. And now when my eyes finally open, all i can see is my dearest mum, and my lovely wugui who would stand by my side no matter what happens, and to love me for who am i. I need a friend who would like to be friends with me for who am i, not to change me to become someone that you like!

Never-ending wishes

Humans, who cant be satisfied no matter in what condition. I still remember those time when both our pockets left not much than RM50, but still we can be so happy. But now, there are much more than that amount, and yet we're not satisfy. Rather saying we, i think i should use 'I'. We stated the to-buy-list together, saying that we wish to own something that we have it together. Couple stuffs. But until now, non of it realize. All were just words spoken, never come true. I mean, was I too greedy to ask these? We've even planned for a nice vacation, but still it faded like nothing ever planned, nothing. I wonder why these happened. I wanted to speak out but i couldnt. Who would listen btw? If we interchange identity, i guess i'll hurt too. I always said like i dont care about those stuffs it seems childish. But in my heart, i wanted to have that kind of childishness too. Is it the problem of salary? Those with 800 a month who can hardly afford too much, but willing to spend on those childish thingie with their beloved. How about me? Idk.......

BTW, im having finals still for my 2nd sem. How time flies. Im a step closer to degree year :)

Random post.

I still remember during secondary school, we used to blog together. But now im alone blogging here without knowing who will be watching.



Those days in UTAR was like waiting for sem break to come. Altho it's a month but it is going to end soon. How time flies. The last time we gathered together and chat for hours, how much i missed that. Everyone is heading for further studies soon, and guess when will we meet again? Planned for a trip for 5 years never come true. When will it really happen? I'll miss those time. Those silly days when we copy the songs lyrics and sing together. Time wont bring us back again.



I just checked my first sem results yesterday, not bad and not really good though. But i really thank God for that. At least my critical thinking did not fail. Well i guess i wont be typing for a long passage, still waiting for my next time to have to blogging mode. See ya :D

Non-like celebration day.

What is it like, when family dont feel family. When those love has gone. I admit im a sensitive woman, who always think to the negative side. Hate myself being that way though. I want a change too, but who is here to lead me to that change. Felt like.. im no longer belong to this family. When they laugh about some secret but unwilling to tell me, all i can act is like a puppet, sitting there, smile and do nothing. Why couldnt i open my heart wider.


They just cant understand.. how much i wish them to accept our relationship. It seems like no matter how much i do it wont change their views. All they look to is all money, money, money. When they need something they'll treat us good but if they dont, we're just nothing to them. Yeah, he's actually not included in our family. Unlike others, friends and relatives around me.. their relationship can easily get blessings from their family. They just dont understand. Or im not even worth for blessings.

A step closer to my 2nd path? :)

It's been some time huh? How i wonder if one day, there will be no more hatred, jealousy, where everyone lives in peace. How if everyone's character is similar? How funny, i met a Uni friend who is still actually a daddy's baby.  How amazing to met such friends like them, which i never hoped before. Can i be greedier to ask for this to last longer?

Sad to say that i did it again. I left empty 18 marks over 45 in my maths exam. Luckily i did well in my first and second test. I really do thank God for that :) And i wont repeat that again. Emo-ed for days, cried for hours. Still i thank God for a best boyfriend around me, who loves me as who I am. Really, really appreciate you in my life, my dearest. I love you <3 p="">

Finally i finished all of my assignments. Cheers for that!! Will be facing my finals very very soon. I'll do my best. Seeing as my friends around me so hardworking made me feel a lil bit of nervous. But Yingying, you can do it, right? As people just moved a step outward, you've already head to the second step. JIAYOU! I realised that.. I no longer study for my family but myself. I dont use my family as an excuse to make myself feel better. Im studying for myself, my own future, my family's future :) Thank God for everyone around me that accompany me in this journey of University life. 4 years seemed long, but i know it will pass just a blink of an eye. I'll cherish all the moments here <3 p="">


我再不update，很多人要打我了。哈哈哈哈 xD

Bitter sweets

Dang!
My first, very first critical thinking exam ends up like a dang. SPM results is coming out from the oven very soon. Well, somehow im quite happy with it. At least im excited, and a lil bit of scare when they hand me my results. Yeah, i've worked really hard. And i guess 21th March is a day where all my efforts gains a payback?

Im definitely enjoying my Uni life now. Somehow it teaches me what freedom feels like, and what it is like to be alone, away from home. Things i've never learn in this 18 years of my life. Yeah, i love it. I have no time to catch up with my story books and my vocabs seems like came to a very slow mode. Things i hate while staying here is.. I couldnt help myself not to worry about my family problems. Every family has a problem, and it really, really affect my emotions. And i hate that. Hate those time when i realise that my relationship with family only left phones, and facebook. Relationship with my sister aint going that well, and i felt like a stranger staying in hotel when im home. I couldnt speak more than a limitation, couldnt exceed their limits in me. I no longer feel like im a sister, most likely a guest who just come and stay for a few days and left? No more family love, i seem abandoned. Im envy to those who found love in family eventhough they left for educations. Yeah, i definitely miss that kind of caring. So loving. But time is not going to have a playback. And i'll continue to walk my journey alone. Who knows all the bitter sweet im going through here? All they want to know is, im great, not hungry, everything's fine, and having a good results. I wished to speak more, but nobody seems willing to listen. I felt like it's more likely a 'no money no talk' relationship.


Hope you'll read this post, my dearest. And this might be the only way i can send my feelings to you while realising there's no more chance for me to live in Kluang as long as 18 years.

Welcome to my new life, a step closer to my dream.

Sorry for the late update. Being an UTARian is quite busy with all the revision and tutorials homework. I love my uni life, no more bm and sejarah, for now. It's really excited to learn the subjects i love overall again, but with a more proper language. UTAR in Perak is surrounded by a big lake called Westlake, and we used to cycle to school. Before cycling i thought that cycling is fun, better than running or jogging. But if now you ask me to cycle for half an hour i'll surrender first.


First day cycling to school is the toughest day. I still remember my sweats was like pouring out from my pores. No use for girls who make up and cycle to school, it will surely be ruined.One thing i dont like about that uni is, its vasttttt. I hope there will be a bridge across the lake.

Missing someone who will never ever cares about you makes you feel like a damn. Pouring out my feelings towards the people i care, i loved, but the will never ever mention about me in their life again. Sad to say that i still have a lot of feelings towards my best friends. But unfortunately, i've lost in their mind. Memories will still be there, phone numbers are also there,but who will call you in the midnight for someone to talk again? Like last time. Once upon a time. Waking up each other to study during midnight. Chatting while teacher is teaching. All memories are buried nicely in my heart, but when will i dig up again? Being rational in the first second is right. Face the truth my dear, we have our own journey to go through. Which guys will forget and lost contact with pretties? And the others will surely be forgotten. No matter how much ingredients i added in the friendship, i still cant have anything back. Words became lesser,lesser, no more.




Our last gathering made me feel cold, colder than winter, like we just get to know each other yesterday. I wanted to give up that kind of relationship, that kind of friendship. Nevertheless, i still love you guys. No matter how many friends i have in this new enviroment, you will surely be missed, somewhere in my deep heart core.